Thanksgiving is nothing but a toast to genocide.

Wedding: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Except in very narrow cases where there's breakthrough science that needs patent production worrying about competitors is a waste of time. If you can't out iterate someone who is trying to copy you you're toast anyway.

The relationship of the toastmaster to speaker should be the same as that of the fan to the fan dancer. It should call attention to the subject without making any particular effort to cover it.

I need to eat before a workout. If I exercise in the morning I'll have a little oatmeal cereal or a hard-boiled egg with toast. If I go in the afternoon I'll eat a turkey sandwich with cheese for lunch.

I blend my green drink every morning. I also fix my son a full-on American breakfast with bacon and toast.

They don't need a lawyer they need a toastmaster.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

There is a bright spot or two for the Spaniards. French toast has become freedom toast on the Air Force One breakfast menu but the Spanish omelet is still a Spanish omelet.

St. Louis has a lot of weird food customs that you don't see other places - and a lot of great ethnic neighborhoods. There's a German neighborhood. A great old school Italian neighborhood with toasted ravioli which seems to be a St. Louis tradition. And they love provolone cheese in St. Louis.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning because sometimes when I eat breakfast I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Most 'reality' shows aren't reality at all. They're game shows with no prize. Like 'Rock of Love.' His aren't genuine feelings. Then again Bob Barker didn't really care whether or not you won the toaster. Sorry to shatter everyone's dreams.

For four to six months at a time I would barely eat. I lived on a diet of Melba toast carrots and black coffee.

I think we've been dulled by capitalism. We're just blobs now - we're so worried about how we can keep paying the lease on the car the mortgage the lease on the toaster and all that. You can't really think about much else. If you lose that you lose the whole lot.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Swing voters are more appropriately known as the 'idiot voters' because they have no set of philosophical principles. By the age of fourteen you're either a Conservative or a Liberal if you have an IQ above a toaster.