I like women but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars...
If I have to move up in a building I choose the elevator over the escalator....
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner...
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do...
I tend to avoid televisions politics and places with velvet ropes.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to...
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years so I had temp...
I love women but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are...
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes you always get another...
I think that when you get dressed in the morning sometimes you're really...
For example I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of...
I didn't do improv in college I never performed I didn't do theater either....
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at...
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright like just always as...
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea then I...
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce....
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle then you're fat!
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40 000 pieces. And when you finish it it...
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing because disapproval is...
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning...
But what I was going to say was I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the...
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer...
They wanted me to play more sports because they were acutely sensitive to their children being one hundred percent American and they believed that all Americans played sports and loved sports.
