I like women but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars...
If I have to move up in a building I choose the elevator over the escalator....
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner...
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do...
I tend to avoid televisions politics and places with velvet ropes.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to...
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years so I had temp...
I love women but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are...
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes you always get another...
I think that when you get dressed in the morning sometimes you're really...
For example I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of...
I didn't do improv in college I never performed I didn't do theater either....
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at...
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright like just always as...
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea then I...
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce....
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle then you're fat!
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40 000 pieces. And when you finish it it...
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing because disapproval is...
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning...
But what I was going to say was I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the...
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer...
These measures may not constitute an absolute guarantee of peace but in my opinion they constitute the greatest preventive measures ever adopted by nations.
