It's funny when people say 'I don't think Julia likes me.' Honey if I don't like you you're going to know about it.

I was so afraid to even read a paper in front of my classmates. It is very funny because at that point my teachers would never have believed that I could speak in front of an audience of over 2 000 people.

I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.

The people I grew up around who I really liked were quick on the draw. It always just wowed me. And my mum would make weird funny comments. I can see in myself her self-deprecating hippie humour. I can't take myself too seriously.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves and I'm a professional funny guy.

I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is nothing is more boring people like this. For me it's OK. But most of my friends at least they smoke and drink.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh they laugh right away.

No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10 000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you that it's about the people who are nominated and respect that but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.

It's a funny thing the less people have to live for the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.

I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me it's really about who I surround myself with so I just try to always be with hilarious people.

I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am a socialist at heart and have the interests of the poor in mind. When people see how I manage to work my way out of tough situations it gives them hope in their own life.

I had everything I'd hoped for but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.

You know the funny thing I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics that action and reaction are equal and opposite that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead you are made for life.

It's funny how most people love the dead once you're dead your made for life.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

People say that life is the thing but I prefer reading.

I've never been married but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

If you have a secret people will sit a little bit closer.

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.