I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies.

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And when in doubt make funny faces.

Without hurting anybody we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny.

I don't really get shaken very much. People could heckle me a spotlight could go out I could forget a lyric... I'm not operating on somebody's brain you know what I mean? So I just think it's all funny.

You know what's funny? I don't ever feel the need to escape. I have a strong marriage. I like my life. You hear about these guys having midlife crises - I don't see that happening to me.

We've seen some insane signs: 'Is that a loaf of bread in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?' Funny stuff along those lines. Very original. One just said 'I will do unspeakable things.' I thought that was very interesting - and mildly terrifying!

Great big serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great big serious novel and a funny novel the funny novel is doomed.

I find it so funny that people find me so interesting.

It's funny to be a critic.

I think the pattern of my essays is A funny thing happened to me on my way through Finnegans Wake.

Hemingway seems to be in a funny position. People nowadays can't identify with him closely as a member of their own generation and he isn't yet historical.

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

I've thought for the last decade or so the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages and had the ability to make it all funny entertaining and pertinent.

I love readings and my readers but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful but I'm annoying and a phony.

Actually I never did stand up. I'm not that funny.

Sometimes I think what I write is funny in its quiet way.

When I was a little kid I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there and a mummy. When they were all hassling him this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny.

I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind like a mild disability some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.

The funny thing is I'm not bothered or sad about being on my own - after all I've never had a husband.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like comedy movies are just 'Oh Jesus.'

Don't remember me as too nice or beautiful or funny because then you'll be disappointed.

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It's embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally my body was changing my mind was changing and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

Very often I don't make it through moments of recording because it is genuinely funny and absolutely ridiculous that a 60-year-old grown man is making these noises.