Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

It's funny the hardest thing to do is to make something look like it's fast loose and improvised and get somebody to laugh.

I think it's always funny when somebody thinks you're going to do something super sexy and then you don't.

With Portlandia I don't think our intention is always to find something funny. Sometimes the humor comes from taking something really seriously. We're okay with making somebody feel uncomfortable or uneasy.

It's sad and upsetting when you see somebody crying hysterically but at the same time it's real funny.

It's funny that I got to do 'On the Road' because the thing that had the biggest impact on me growing up was reading books. I was very inspired by the book and this spirit of Dean Moriarty and how envious we all are of somebody who can be that carefree.

Comedy is surprises so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh that's funny.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny or you ain't.

I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.

I used to say I wanted somebody funny and intelligent but kindness is the most important quality in a man.

You know I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where absolutely everything went well from beginning to end.

It's funny - if you impersonate somebody they have no idea it's them.

I don't really get shaken very much. People could heckle me a spotlight could go out I could forget a lyric... I'm not operating on somebody's brain you know what I mean? So I just think it's all funny.

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

Everything is funny as long as it's happening to somebody else.

I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks they are always locking three.

I believe that if life gives you lemons you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

Friendship is a pretty full-time occupation if you really are friendly with somebody. You can't have too many friends because then you're just not really friends.

I am somebody who... - I'm not saying I'm perfect but I need that freedom that ability to make mistakes out there. Because there's a fine line between making a mistake or being brilliant.

The thing with food is that you can give 20 people the same recipe and the same ingredients and somebody's going to make it better than somebody else and that's the creativity of it. It's like music. You could have a bunch of people playing the same piece and somebody's gonna play it better.

I used to work a lot on food issues and every time somebody predicted that production would be inadequate they got egg on their face a year or two later.

Somewhere near you somebody right now is trying to help the indigent and poor - providing food shelter clothing or simple kindness.

I kept thinking 'Somebody has to make a food show that is actually educational and entertaining at the same time... a show that got down to the 'why things happen.' Plus I hated my job - I didn't think it was very worthwhile.