There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes I had one thousand and sixty.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer...
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never said most of the things I said.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Money won't buy happiness but it will pay the salaries of a large research...
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Roses are red violets are blue I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William...
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
But the beauty of Einstein's equations for example is just as real to anyone who's experienced it as the beauty of music. We've learned in the 20th century that the equations that work have inner harmony.
